is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
