Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
