He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
