We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
