this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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