now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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