4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
