Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
