If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
