ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
