ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
