I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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