Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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