mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
