Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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