I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize