I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
