She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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