So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
