never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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