My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize