Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize