I wish my penis had an off switch
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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