Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
