if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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