No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
