life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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