How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
