so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I want her autograph on my taint
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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