No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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