did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He passed out mid-signature
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
