i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
