My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
