Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
