We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
