I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
