so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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