you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
