Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
