when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
