Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
