If that was your dad, he is hot
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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