i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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