2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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