I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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