I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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