I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize