The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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