I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
