Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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