seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
