I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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