last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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