My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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