This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
