i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
