i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
