if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
