I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize