I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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