My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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