I am puke
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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