Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
