I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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