question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
