Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I will pee on everything he values.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
