Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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