I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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