You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
