God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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